i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
being pregnant is like rehab
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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