Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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