I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize