Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
