I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize