Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
