Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
