also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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