I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
