Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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