I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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