Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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