nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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