drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
