I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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