Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
