I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
