dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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