3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
