I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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