Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
