he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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