so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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