If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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