I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
