erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
