I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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