oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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