I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
