From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
