i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
