Redeem this text for a blowjob
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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