I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
