if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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