What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
