Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
