I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
