I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar