I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.