I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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