super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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