Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
