I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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