just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
