Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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