"it" just moved
Duck Duck Cougar?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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