my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
