gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize