I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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