what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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