im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
