[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
