she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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