you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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