I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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