It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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