Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
