I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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