I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
