So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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