At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
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Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
This toilet bowl is my home.
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